When I Need Saving

“Do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better, do better.” ~ Maya Angelou


Hey everybody, it’s been such a long time since my last entry. Between moving houses, engaging in my remote college courses, a couple of COVID scares, and then some, my life has been a complete rollercoaster. I STILL genuinely value everyone that takes the time out to read my entries! Every reader is much appreciated! Before continuing to read, I do want to say that it’s been a daily struggle for me to simply think positively, but this is not a reflection of me as a complete person. It’s just been extremely hard for me recently, but I feel like I owe y’all an explanation of my absence!


While sitting in my room and listening to Redemption by Drake, he said the line “Who’s gonna save me when I need saving?” (Sidenote: Views is the one the best Drake albums, don’t @ me!). For the rest of the day, that question played over and over in my head. To add to my thoughts, my friend asked me what was my plan with my major in psychology, interest in writing, blog, and overall career goal. I told her once I have completed my undergrad, I plan on attending graduate school for Counseling Psychology and obtaining a license to counsel. Once I have my license, I want to focus specifically on BIPOC (Black, Indigenous, and People of Color) mental health and wellness and still utilize my blog as a bridge/resource for additional aid. And maybe, just maybe, I can turn this blog into a nonprofit organization. 


I ended it by saying, “That’ll be a dream.” 


She responded by saying “You’re gonna make it happen sis, that’s an amazing dream that you’re already actively working toward. You’re such an inspiration for your fellow Black girls idk if you know.”


And that’s when both the Drake lyrics and her statement made me realize something. I cannot ask for help or inspiration because I am too busy being it for others. I can’t express how many times I can’t go on the day because I am filled with sadness, but I am still able to keep composure for those around me. Between being extremely involved in the Black community at my university, a Peer Mentor for one of the biggest entities at the same institution, and overall being a well-versed person, a lot of people come to me looking for things. I easily wake up to well over 20 notifications filled with things that I have to do. And if I can be completely honest, it’s mostly filled with people asking things of me, but could absolutely care less if I ate that day. It’s rare that I hear, “How are you doing, Cheyenne? Are you okay?” 


But even when the very few did, my response is “I’m breathing.” 


I always tell myself you can cry later, stress later, acknowledge your emotions at a time of importance a.k.a not now. I’m too busy being of service to everybody else except for myself. Because of that, I have essentially deemed myself unimportant in this process. I’ve done this so much to the point where it’s affecting me physically. I have lost so much weight that I can’t even fit into the clothes that I wore in high school. My anxiety is completely through the roof that I can have a panic attack just off of raising my hand in class. 


But I want to be a psychologist right? I can barely psychologize myself. 


You can’t ask for help when you are the help. (Or at least that’s how I am seeing it.)


In the process of putting my heart into the work that I do, I have allowed myself and others to take advantage of my passion almost to the point of breaking myself down.


Or maybe I have already done that. I honestly can’t tell you. This has attempted to strip me of my productivity, creativity, and overall self-esteem. I have questioned if being a psychologist is still what I want to do because I am continuously asking myself, “How can you help others and you can’t even help yourself?”


I don’t have an answer to that. And I am not sure if I will have an answer.


But, I am okay with that. To everything there is a season. 


It’s time that I take control of this season, and the start of this control is this entry. I have been itching to blog, I have missed y’all so much! I had so many ideas and still do! This is my safe space. A space where it’s okay to be Black and vulnerable. 


And right now, I am very Black and extremely vulnerable. I need help y’all and I am okay with saying it. 


~Cheyenne

 
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